Getting My Legs Back

What a wild weekend!  I went into it with so much confidence and excitement and here I am, at the other end, hoping I don't see a set of stairs in front of me.  And I really don't want to talk about the race with people.  Actually, that's not quite it.  I had a great time.  I'm so glad I went and did it and enjoyed myself.  What I don't want to associate myself with is the number on the clock at the end.  That number just doesn't feel right to me.  That's a mix of my expectations not being met and how I feel about numbers.

Surprisingly, I have had no emotional breakdowns over this race (yet...I actually have talked to only my sister and strangers since the race ended...I swear, one day I'll turn on my phone).  I think it's because I don't consider myself to have run a marathon.  Sure, I've done one, but that didn't feel like what I wanted it to be.  So, I'll have to try another and see if the next one feels like I think it should.  

Yesterday, I had some successful encounters with the two flights of stairs in the Inn.  Up and down a few times.  That was a highlight!  Another highlight was the woman who stopped my on the street, about .1 miles from the finish and just could not get over that I finished the marathon.  Then she said her daughter was running...I told her to get on over there and help her daughter finish.  Today, I walked for 45 minutes when I got up.  I got out to Hayward Field and felt like I was sneaking in (the back gate was empty).  I spent probably 15 minutes just walking around the stadium (very gingerly), stepping on the track, standing in the stands pretending I was watching Pre, and just enjoying the dawn.  That place does wonders for me.

We also made the nine hour drive back to The 'Lo.  That is a lot of time in the car when your muscles are sad.  But, it wasn't as bad as I thought and Leah took over driving when we got close to SF as my clutch leg is still debatable.  We got about 90% of the Sunday NYT Crossword done.  We're stuck there, which is fine by me.  It's a successful Sunday puzzle when I can figure out the theme and learn a few new words (hie, balalaika, bugle-as in noise elks make, and duodecim). Although, I can't say I loved all the slang in this week's puzzle.  The NPR "All Songs Considered" concerts were great for the drive.

I'm doing my best not to throw in the towel on my year as a 28 year-old.  This year has been absolutely crappy for me emotionally and has near broken my spirit.  Maybe it's just this year at school that has taken it's toll and everything else is just evil frosting.  I actually spent a moment during the race thinking about whether or not I should quit my job (I would have spent more if I had any energy left over after trying to convince my body to just flipping cooperate).  I won't consider leaving my job or teaching seriously for another year, but it's tempting as we just interviewed three great math candidates for two positions.  Who knows what else I would do, so I'll try to figure that out before I start quitting things in this economy.  

I'm still trying to find my way in this crazy, big state (and world I guess) and don't quite feel like I have my legs under me to find the kind of life I want.  But, as Bec always tells me...I'm just going to try to find and stay on the path that feels right.  It'll work out one of these days.  I guess the part I worry about is...what if it doesn't?  What I try to tell myself is that's probably what everyone else in the world worries about too.  But if I've learned one thing, it's that you can never tell anyone 'it'll all be okay' and have it mean anything at all.

So, I'll just keep on keepin' on.  And look forward to getting my running shoes on again.  For now, that's the path that feels right.  And when in doubt, I'll get out the cowbell and find someone to high five.